Satire | The Board of Friendship is here

I am delighted to announce I’m starting a new Board for people who didn’t get invited to Donald Trump’s Board of Peace. You don’t even have to be a Prime Minister or President to get in, though heads of state are also welcome to apply.

I got the idea when I was in Davos, watching Trump sign the Charter for his Board. I knew he had invited only about 60 people. This made no sense to me, given that India alone has 1.48 billion people, of whom only one got an invite. My heart went out to the millions out there who also want to be Board members, sit in Boardrooms, and be able to tell their friends, “I’ll talk to you later. I have a Board meeting to attend.”

But there simply aren’t enough boards to accommodate the aspirations of all of them. Take me, for instance. I am such an illustrious personality. Anyone who glimpses my distinguished visage would automatically assume I must be on the boards of at least a dozen Fortune 500 companies. Believe it or not — I am not. So I know exactly how most of you feel. As I pondered this crisis of too many people and too few boards, it struck me that this demand-supply gap presented a great opportunity. That’s when I decided to launch my own Board.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

A noble mission

Initially I didn’t know what to call my Board. I really love peace. But it was already taken by Trump. I thought of calling it ‘Board of Harmony’. But a friend who is a copy editor pointed out ‘harmony’ sounded too much like ‘peace’. I didn’t want my Board to be a ‘me too’ version of Trump’s.

At the same time, I also didn’t want it to be too narrow in its ambit. So I was about to go with ‘Board of Everything Everywhere All At Once’. But my lawyer said that too was taken. Apparently someone had named their movie Everything Everywhere All At Once. How ridiculous! But it’s true.

Then last week, during the Parent-Teacher Meeting at Kattabomman’s school, I overheard one parent tell another that her son was becoming a loner, struggling to make friends. That was my Eureka moment. Who isn’t lonely these days? Who doesn’t need friends? I immediately stood up to go register my Board of Friendship. Then I immediately sat down. I remembered this was Digital India, where all registrations are done online.

I want to make it clear that my Board is a purely philanthropic initiative. Its mission is to promote friendship by giving people an opportunity to escape their loneliness and feel important at the same time by attending Board meetings. Naturally, to accomplish this noble mission, it needs funds, which is where you come in.

Something for all

Unlike Trump’s Board, whose membership is invitation-only, my Board is open to anyone who wants to join. And yes, I am currently accepting new members.

The process to join the Board of Friendship is simple. Interested candidates should download the application form from the website, print it out, fill it, and send it to me along with three recommendation letters, and a modest (non-refundable) admission fee of $100 million — a special $900 million discount (inaugural offer only) on what Trump is charging for permanent membership of his Board.

Once their payments come through, successful applicants will receive a physical copy of the Board of Friendship Charter which they need to sign and courier back to me in triplicate, along with a short video of themselves bending the knee in front of my photograph.

Needless to say, as the President, Vice-President and Chairman-for-life of the Board of Friendship, I have the power to expel any Board member at any time. Violating the Charter will be grounds for immediate expulsion. Unlike Trump’s verbose Charter, mine only has three articles:

Article 1: No one contradicts the Chairman.

Article 2: Chairman is always right.

Article 3: No one asks questions except the Chairman.

I am happy to report that my inbox is already flooded with applications — not only from well-known oligarchs, crony capitalists and crorepati politicians who can afford the membership fee but also from regular folk.

To cater exclusively to ordinary Indians who can’t afford my Board of Friendship, I intend to convene two more Boards: Board of Poverty and Board of Unemployment. Both are widely practised in India. My friends, however, are warning me these won’t take off. We’ll find out, won’t we?

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

Published – February 05, 2026 02:48 pm IST