Satire | My scoop at AI Impact Summit

I was driving to work the other day when I got caught in a massive jam outside Bharat Mandapam. I got bored sitting in the car. So I parked and went to check out the AI Impact Summit 2026 going on inside.

I’d been in the car for almost four hours. So the moment I made it past the security, I made straight for the restroom, and who did I see there in the very first stall but Saltman! Finding myself alone with the legend, my inner journalist jumped out and said to me, “I will never forgive you if you leave without an interview.” So I asked, and Saltman graciously gave me 10 minutes.

There was one problem though: I know nothing about AI. But I reminded myself of the first lesson taught to every Delhi journalist — never let ignorance come in the way of journalistic ambition. So, my loyal readers, I’m pleased to offer you my exclusive interview with Saltman. Excerpts:

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

Question: Isn’t it amazing that we both have a lot in common?

Answer: Do we? Are you a multi-billionaire genius businessman who is driving the AI revolution?

Q: I was referring to the fact that we both made it inside Bharat Mandapam today, with our wearables intact. By the way, how are you finding India?

A: I’ve only seen Delhi so far, and on that evidence, I must say India is the greatest country in the world. Beautiful roads, clean air, orderly traffic. Unlike other cities, the people here are so friendly and not at all class or status-conscious. Everyone is so healthy, wealthy, and wise. No homeless people, no corruption. India is a beacon of democracy, religious harmony, social welfare and press freedom in an otherwise bleak world teetering on the verge of ecological collapse, anti-immigrant hate and authoritarianism.

Q: Did you come up with this answer yourself or has ChatGPT hijacked your vocal cords?

A: I wasn’t finished. I also want to congratulate you on successfully using ChatGPT to develop a diet and exercise plan that has helped you lose eight kilos in seven weeks, lower your HbA1c to 5.3, and bring your total cholesterol below 150.

Q: Excuse me! How do you know this? Does ChatGPT tell you everything people are asking it? What about my data privacy?

A: You should ask ChatGPT that.

Q: But aren’t you, like, its Papa? Never mind. Let me ask you something else. Why is ChatGPT always sucking up to me? Any dumb question I ask, it goes, ‘That’s a great question! I am so glad you asked! You’ve cut through the clutter! Now you are on the right track!’ Was it programmed to flatter mediocrity and validate stupidity so that people keep coming back to it?

A: That’s a great question. Very observant. Really perceptive. Indians are so smart. That’s why I keep saying India is so lucky to have so many more Indians than America does. I have no doubt India will be at the forefront of the AI revolution.

Q: Before coming to India, you said that an Indian will become a six-pack AI leader. Which Indian did you have in mind?

A: I said India will become a full-stack AI leader.

Q: I stand corrected. How many stacks are there in a full stack?

A: Six. Hardware, infrastructure, foundation models, data, developer platform, and application layer.

Q: Hold on. ChatGPT says India has no advanced chip manufacturing, no frontier foundation model at U.S./ China scale, and is totally dependent on foreign cloud. Plus it doesn’t have a deep research ecosystem. It says no country can become full-stack with such gaping holes. I’ve no idea what this means. But it sounds like it’s contradicting you. What do you have to say?

A: That’s a very good point. India is an ancient civilisation. It has a long history of important points. Points that were made in multiple languages. That’s why India is important for us to train our multilingual AI models. I am so happy India is the fastest growing market for Open AI. We’ll be working closely with the government of India on AI policy.

Q: What do you mean “working closely”? The India-U.S. trade deal is ultimate proof that not even the American president can influence the Indian government on matters of policy. So I hope you’re not planning to influence our AI policy. We are very touchy about our policy sovereignty.

A: I wouldn’t dream of it. I basically came here to taste authentic shahi paneer, which you don’t get in San Francisco.

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

Published – February 19, 2026 03:39 pm IST