Satire | Dictionary of foreign policy

India’s foreign policy can be confusing if your IQ is below 299. So, for the benefit of newcomers suddenly forced to take an interest in it because of the LPG cylinder situation, I’ve put together a lexicon of key terms.

Strategic autonomy: Originally derived from the Greek term ‘stratogos autonomos’, in Indian English, it literally means “ask for permission”. Some people confuse it with ‘strategic automoney’. But it’s not the same thing. Strategic autonomy is the doctrine of serially grovelling at the feet of whichever big power is bullying you at any given moment.

For example, if America wants you to stop buying Iranian oil and it is against your national interest to do so, strategic autonomy would dictate that you do it anyway. If the next day, China tells you, “Forget the past, act as if everything is hunky-dory between us,” you say, “What past?” The big advantage of strategic autonomy is that it works like a dream when it comes to protecting your strategic automoney.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

Strategic automoney: It denotes the financial interests of a country’s top oligarchs. As a concept, it articulates a foundational principle of liberal democracy — translating financial power into political power. Strategic automoney is the fuel that lubricates the electoral machinery and expanding inequality in capitalist democracies.

Multi-alignment: The art of buying your groceries (and weapons) from different countries at the same time. So we will buy air defence from Russia, soybean oil from America, and everything else from China. The biggest benefit of multi-alignment is that you are everyone’s friend but no one is your friend. For example, Iran was India’s good friend, but due to India’s multi-alignment, India became Israel’s best friend, which is Iran’s worst enemy. As a result, we must stand in line for LPG.

LPG: Until recently, a marker of middle class respectability, today it is a symbol of India’s strategic autonomy.

Issue-based alignment: Also known as the ‘sellout doctrine’, it refers to the policy of selling your principles, values, and national sovereignty to the Epstein class.

Epstein class: This definition has been withheld in India in response to a legal demand.

Energy security: Something that is achieved by purchasing oil from wherever you have permission to buy it from at any given time, without going through the hassle of building a long-time strategic reserve or buffer stock of crude.

Trade deal with the U.S.: A trade agreement wherein a country that is not the U.S. agrees to serve the neo-colonial interests of the U.S., at great cost to the farmers and workers of the country that is not the U.S.

Vishwaguru: A Sanskrit-origin term that literally means ‘teacher of the world’, it is now in the process of being decommissioned from public service following the extraordinary success of India’s multi-alignment strategy.

Managing optics: Also known as the ‘philosopher’s stone’ of India’s foreign policy, it refers to the strategic use of hugs, medals, photo-ops, audio-less videos and ‘sapna-sapna’ to transmute every diplomatic disaster into a global validation of India’s standing as an emerging superpower and undisputed leader of the Global South.

Global South: Opposite of the Global North.

Global North: People we take orders from.

BRICS: A grouping of the leading powers of the Global South, it stands for Brazil, Russia, Iran, China and South Africa (BRICS). India also participates in BRICS proceedings to the extent permitted by pragmatic realism.

Pragmatic realism: Keeping Donald Trump happy.

Strategic patience: Foreign policy in ‘safe mode’. It kicks in whenever a potent combination of ignorance, incompetence, cowardice and fear lead to prolonged indecision and the only option left is to sit tight and blame Nehru.

Net security provider: If you are playing football, hockey or water polo in the Indian Ocean and want to ensure that the net doesn’t collapse when someone scores a goal, India will function as the net security provider for up to 15 goals as long as the game is played within 12 nautical miles of the Indian coastline.

Constructive engagement: When you have nothing to show for your foreign trip but are too embarrassed to say publicly that the diplomatic meetings were a stupid waste of time, effort and taxpayers’ money.

Closely monitoring the situation: Waiting to hear back from the U.S./ Israel/ China.

Comprehensive strategic partnership: A bilateral relationship that is more than ‘friends with benefits’ but less than a serious commitment.

Strategic restraint: Trump denied permission.

BIMSTEC: Are you serious?

Rules-based international order: LOL

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

Published – March 20, 2026 03:58 pm IST