Satire | Align your New Year energy

We don’t attend New Year dos very often, Wife and I. But when we do, we typically go to a party hosted by one of my friends. The exact reason for this is a matter of controversy.

I believe it’s because I have more interesting friends who throw better parties. Wife thinks it’s because of my utter lack of interest in, curiosity about, or empathy for, people who are neither journalists nor sources nor potential podcast guests. Now, it is a truth universally acknowledged that my interests are limitless, my curiosity is boundless, and my empathy, endless. Nonetheless, to settle this debate, on December 31, I accompanied her to a party thrown by one of her client-turned-friends.

It was on a rooftop. I entered the party fortified with three N95s. As we waded into the smog, I almost bumped into a woman who could’ve stepped out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. She was dressed in a flowing maroon robe of some expensive curtain material. Her hair was in the style of fluorescent pineapple, neck buried in pearls and diamonds that glinted in the candlelight. I got the sense Dr. Strange might show up any minute, wielding a mandala of fire.

Healing and astral waves

Wife made the introductions. The woman turned out to be the host, Selin Sengupta, a wellness influencer who’d had the brilliant idea of throwing an outdoor party in 10,000-plus AQI.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

“Hello,” Selin said, extending a small bowl of gemstones that, on closer inspection, turned out to be her hand.

“Hello Selin,” I said. “You have a beautiful terrace garden.”

“Thank you, Mr. Mask,” Selin said. “You are in the media but hiding your face like this? Visibility is everything.”

“In Delhi, visibility is nothing,” I said. “Flights get cancelled all the time.”

“I know the air is not perfect, but you see anyone else wearing a mask here?”

I looked around. No one was.

“My lungs don’t belong to anyone else,” I said.

“Your lungs are there to serve you, not the other way round.”

“What do you mean?”

“I see you two are getting along,” Wife said. “I’ll see you in a bit.” She vanished into the fog and filthy air, leaving me at the mercy of Lady Macbeth.

“Do you see these candles?” Selin went on. “And the pools of pebbles?” I noticed normal-looking candles on every table. They stood on normal-looking stands that held normal-looking rocks.

“What about them?” I said.

“These are release candles,” Selin said. “Light them in your home every evening. They’ll protect you from pollution.”

“What do they release?”

“All your blockages, what else!” she said. “The little rocks are rose quartz — healing crystals charged under the last full moon. I’ll give you some — put them under your pillow. Their aura will realign your energy to the universe. The astral waves they emanate have the power to oxidise particulate matter, turning them into inarticulate matter — that’s why it’s safe to hang out on my terrace, mask-less.”

“I see.”

“You’ll see only when you remove your mask,” Selin said.

“No, thank you.”

“Trust me,” Selin insisted.

Not wanting to offend my host, I reluctantly took off one N95, then another, and when the last one came off, Selin clapped. She then took my arm and led me to a cabinet behind the bar, opened a drawer and fished out two envelopes.

“These are for you,” she said, handing me two gift coupons worth ₹20,000 each. One was for a ‘Prana Activation Bootcamp’, where you learn to convert negative energy into positive energy. The other was for ‘Quantum Manifestation Accelerator’, where Selin taught techniques to manifest the best version of yourself which, incidentally, already exists in the future — the version of you that is 10x fitter, 20x smarter, and 100x richer than the current you.

Hard sell

As we were leaving the party, one of Selin’s minions approached me with an ‘invitation’ to join her ‘21-day alignment challenge’. It cost ₹6,999 to sign up. Having already accepted ₹40,000 worth of vouchers, I couldn’t wriggle out of it. I meekly paid up.

On the drive back, Wife was in a good mood. I was back in my N95 fortress.

“How was Selin?” She wanted to know. “Isn’t she interesting?”

“The universe is listening,” I said. “It will report back to Selin whatever I say.”

“Admit it,” she said. “You were talking to her all evening. You even took off your damn masks for her.”

“I’ll concede Selin has interesting energy,” I said. “It’s perfectly aligned with whatever she’s selling.”

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

Published – January 08, 2026 04:27 pm IST