Breaking the cycle of violence against women

The recent murder of a 27-year-old pregnant woman commando posted with the Delhi Police Special Cell is a grim reminder that the public projection of power does not necessarily alter the reality for women within the closed walls of home. She was killed by her husband using a dumbbell.

What makes women endure violence despite being financially independent? What makes them believe that things will work out for them despite indications to the contrary? What make us as a society say that women are making it “up”? Whom do we blame — the person who caused harm, the woman who was harmed, society that normalises this harm, or the law which states that marriage is sacrosanct?

The case in point is a reminder of a poem by Paulette Kelly, I Got Flowers Today, written in 1992 and dedicated to battered women. The last stanza reads as follows: “I got flowers today/ Today was a special day — it was the day of my funeral/ Last night he killed me/ If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him…”

Vicious cycle

The poem stems from the “cycle of violence” theory proposed by Lenore Walker (1979) that elucidates the reasons that make battered women continue in abusive relationships. The theory talks about three predictable phases of violence-tension building, explosion, and honeymoon. The violence does not stop and repeated exposures to the cycle of violence results in a feeling of helplessness in the abused person, diminished decision-making ability, and development of fear. The victim may start blaming herself for the violence and tries to avoid any situation that precipitates violence.

In a doctoral study, “Gender and women police officers: exploring the connect between the experienced and the expressed gendered definitions”, in 2019 by Pushpa Dhoundiyal, it emerged that mere achievement of a career or financial independence does not release women from their social obligations and gender disparities. Conversations with women police officers in cells that offer fixed duty hours would reveal the extent to which they largely look forward to these postings that allows them to attend to their familial needs while delivering at work. How far have the gender roles altered even while we celebrate women’s participation in the formal workforce. The participants in the research shared that being women in police, they had to face greater subjugation on account of the suspicion that the matrimonial family expressed about their domineering attitude owing to their profession. They were expected to behave as less-educated, obedient followers of the elders and to showcase respect for the culture of the family.

The oral testimonies of the brother of the deceased commando are evidence of the extent to which dowry continues to emasculate relationships that are expected to be bonds of mutual respect and love. Expectations of marital gifts (obligatory dowry) was prevalent in the matrimonial alliances of 46 of 48 women police officers in the research cited above. The expenditure being incurred on weddings today belies logic and raises expectations that are difficult to fulfil for most bridal families. How much time does it take to prepare the couple for marriage and how much time is spent on making arrangements related to the wedding as though the real determinant for marital well being lies in the latter.

The case in point also brings out the emotional violence that was prevalent prior to marriage. What makes women ignore or play down the red flags in the “courtship period”? By her brother’s statement, policewomen who undertook the commando training along with the victim have shared the countless nights that she spent crying because of the conversations that her male partner (later husband) had with her. They found it difficult to understand what made her endure the recurrent abuse and kept cajoling her into rethinking her decision to marry that man. The brother comes in defence of the victim to say that she loved “him” so much that she could not think of another partner. “Stockholm Syndrome” was used to describe this phenomenon by Nils Johan Artur Bejerot, Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist, in 1974, now variously referred to as trauma bonding (relationship where the connection defies logic and is very hard to break) and narcissistic or psychopathic victim abuse. The abuser downplays the achievements of the victim leading to a reduced self-worth (Logan, 2018).

Debt trap

Financial violence against women is taking on newer forms with women trapped by being asked to take loans in their name. Coercive control gets exercised where they are left with no alternative but to continue in a relationship that may have nothing to offer to them as reciprocity. The deceased constable’s position was no different with loans taken to an extent where her monthly salary was insufficient to pay back the instalments. Coercive tactics bury women in a position of no return.

What does a saviour do when they need to be saved? Theoretically, there is nothing that stops them from approaching the same institutional mechanism that others go to, but the costs that they may have to pay brings in significant hesitancy. What truly belongs to them and something that overtly makes them look powerful is difficult to put at stake.

Recognition of the unique challenges of women in police is imperative. There is significant literature that refers to the occupational stressors for women in police. There is scant or no attention paid to the challenges that they might be experiencing on the domestic front both on account of the occupational requirements and the perceptions surrounding their occupational positioning. This calls for attention to the field of occupational social work. Occupational social work as a specialised field has the potential to address the needs of workers under stress (Forgey et al., 2023). The recommendations of research on the occupational stress and mental health of police in India undertaken by the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences (NIMHANS) with support from the Bureau of Police Research and Development (1996) also deserve keen consideration.

Incidents of this kind result in a clamour for reprisal against the accused. Instead, the loss of two precious lives (one born and one unborn) should serve as an alarm bell for greater discussion on preventing such horrific incidents from recurring. Greater sensitisation is needed on trauma bonding. The feelings of “love” held by the victim are a psychological survival mechanism to cope with terror, threats, and isolation. The victims should be reassured that they are worthy irrespective of the attempts by the abuser to run them down. Provision of a safe, caring environment with deliberate distancing from the abuser will help the victims regain their lost self-confidence and overcome their fear of being unable to survive without the abuser.

Pre-marriage counselling is an oft-reiterated suggestion with limited implementation. Advocacy for such interventions as a community programme is much required where civil society could play a significant role. Creating a work environment where individuals are not judged by mustering the courage to talk about their vulnerabilities is imperative. It is time to stop being prescriptive and allow for psychologically safe spaces to listen in the truest sense to understand before giving a response. It is time to start talking about well-being of partners in relationships and marriages and the ways to secure it.

Neelam Sukhramani is a Professor at the Department of Social Work, Jamia Millia Islamia, New Delhi; Pushpa Dhoundiyal has been a research scholar under her supervision. Views expressed are personal