Love and its newfangled terms

Chennai-based entrepreneur Madan Raj* and his techie wife Vandana Raj*, both 30 years old, are on a popular dating app — together and separately. If this is confusing, you have just been introduced to the world of ethical non-monogamy, or ENM as it is popularly called in the online dating stratosphere. The couple date other people on the app, with each other’s consent, while being transparent to the people they date. “We were high school sweethearts who got married young. We realised we wanted to explore dating other people while being committed to each other,” explains Mr. Madan.

ENM, as a concept, has been growing among married couples in the last 15 years and the pandemic turned out to be a catalyst, not only in Indian metros but also in smaller towns and tier-two cities, including Guwahati, Lucknow, and Bareilly. As the acronym suggests, ENM refers to a couple committed to each other either as primary partners or a married couple, opening their marriage/relationship to find other suitors/lovers/partners within the parameters of a mutually agreed framework, with clear rules and communication guidelines.

“Healthy boundaries, clear communication, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of any relationship; and when you open up a marriage or a once-committed monogamous relationship, then the need for rules, clarity, and communication becomes even more imperative,” says Vidya Jebaraj, a Bengaluru-based marriage counsellor, who handholds couples looking to open up their marriage.

Anecdotal stories

One has to rely on surveys conducted by dating apps, the odd research paper, or news article for more reliable data and statistics on open marriages and relationships. On the contrary, anecdotal stories of couples in open marriages offer a plethora of insight and wisdom.

Married couples who have successfully explored ENM claim that it has not only helped build trust in the marriage but also spiced things up, especially when a relationship has lasted until it hit drudgery. “We opened up our marriage after a decade of being married and after two kids; our ENM is clearly structured, ensuring nothing impacts or disrupts our lives together or the kids. It has helped build trust, and has even made us happier,” notes Selvam Durai*, 40, based in Chennai.

Speaking to many young couples in their 20s and 30s in smaller cities indicates that not just Chennai but towns such as Salem, Madurai, Coimbatore and Tiruchi are, indeed, accommodative of couples exploring ENM. It is also evident from talking to them that patriarchal dynamics, far more firmly entrenched in the non-metro cities, enable men to more openly explore ENM. The women, however, either reluctantly follow along or do not themselves date other men, but consent grudgingly or sometimes willingly, for their husbands to meet or date other women. In among only two of the eight couples interviewed from smaller cities do the women also feel an equal dynamic, with their husband, in exploring ENM. Almost no one was willing to share their real names, much less be photographed, indicating that while the more things change, the more they stay the same.

A 2022 Bumble study found that 61% of single Indians surveyed were open to exploring ENM, indicating a growing interest in consensual non-monogamous structures. Mumbai-based psychologist Amanpreet Nagpal noted an increase in polyamorous clients over the past five years; they associate this lifestyle with being modern and progressive, though many also seek her help for the emotional complications and insecurities that often tend to arise in such situations.

Why choose ENM?

Married couples in India pursue ENM for diverse reasons. Some discover polyamorous inclinations years into marriage. Others view marriage as providing practical benefits, including legal and society sanction, while going with non-monogamy. There is, of course, no set practice — there are variations galore. Some couples date separately, others together, and many create hybrid models that work best for them. Hierarchical arrangements with primary and secondary partners remain common, though couples maintain boundaries that evolve over time through ongoing negotiation.

There still is much stigma surrounding ENM in India but this does not seem to deter its practitioners; but it means that most people are discreet about their polyamorous status at work, with family, friends, or even online. Finding housing proves nearly impossible for the openly polyamorous, and women face disproportionate judgment compared to men. Ms. Nagpal observes a dearth of emotional grounding in open marriages, with boundaries about who constitutes the “real” couple blurring. Jealousy, insecurity, and fear of rejection surface regularly, requiring significant emotional labour and honest communication, she says.

Progressive court verdicts, including the decriminalisation of adultery and Section 377, have helped forge some acceptance of alternative sexualities and romantic lifestyles, and recognition that familial relationships may take non-traditional forms and be functional. However, legal frameworks do not recognise polyamorous relationships. Indian metros have a history of small but thriving online communities engaged in exploring ENM, but the real popularity in lived practice seems to point to smaller towns and cities where there is greater patriarchal sway for married men to explore ENM with the wife tagging along, most times, reluctantly.

Facebook groups such as ‘Polyamory India’ and ‘Indian Polyamory and Open Relationships’ exist, while Reddit’s polyamoryindia group remains small if active. Even mainstream dating apps like OkCupid, Feeld, and Bumble now include options for identifying as non-monogamous, facilitating connections that circumvent awkward disclosures and discoveries.

Small polyamory meet-ups too exist, including fortnightly groups addressing loneliness within marriage in Chennai. Participants support each other with navigating family pressures, child-rearing, and secrecy, viewing polyamory as aspirational rather than mainstream. Niche apps such as Flamr and SwingTowns list Chennai poly-seekers, indicating a quiet demand in a cultural context that is still largely rigid and conservative, but is definitely changing. At the end of the day, ENM among married couples in Tamil Nadu, and India in general, continues to exist in a paradoxical bubble. There is growing interest and acceptance coupled with persistent stigma requiring couples to be strategically closeted, as modern aspirations lock horns with traditional structures. While data suggest shifting attitudes and openness to new ways of navigating relationship dynamics, particularly among urban, educated Indians, actual practice remains largely underground.

Grounding in polyamory

Arundhati Ghosh’s All Our Loves: Journeys with Polyamory in India  combines memoir, interviews, and critical analysis to explore polyamory — loving multiple people simultaneously with everyone’s consent — in contemporary India. She positions polyamory as “perhaps, the last existing taboo” in India, where even liberal minds struggle when the singularity of love is challenged.

Ms. Ghosh explores practical aspects, including navigating jealousy, managing time between partners, establishing boundaries, raising families, and the emotional labour required for this. In a series of responses for this article (sent via WhatsApp), she notes that it is not just the younger couples but also older ones who have been in monogamous relationships/marriages for decades, who are opening themselves up to ENM, as they are on a journey to seek new and alternative ways of exploring their deeper desires and authentic selves.

Post-pandemic shifts

The post-pandemic period in India saw significant societal shifts. A 2023 Bumble study revealed that 60% of single Indians are open to consensual non-monogamy. A 2023 Gleeden-IPSOS survey of 1,503 married Indians found that 22% have embraced the notion of being an open couple and are now in non-monogamous relationships. Dating platforms experienced explosive growth post the COVID-19 pandemic. Gleeden grew from 800,000 users in 2017 to 2 million by early 2023, and reached 3 million by mid-2025, making India the fifth largest market globally.

Research points to several factors behind this growth: work-life imbalance contributing to relationship dissatisfaction, social media enabling connections, progressive court verdicts decriminalising adultery and Section 377; and overall greater emotional self-awareness among urban Indians who have begun to find value in centering mental well-being.

The growth is predictably high in Indian metros, though Tier-2 cities are not far behind. The trajectory suggests ENM in India has evolved from a fringe practice in 2015 to a significant minority phenomenon by 2025, with acceptance fuelling the pace of actual practice, particularly among younger, urban, educated populations. The availability of more reliable and centralised data and statistics on ENM might take at least another generation, as stigma and societal shaming are still prevalent around these newer relationship dynamics.

A 2020 research paper in the International Journal of Indian Psychology  compared mental well-being between polyamorous and monogamous individuals and found that the former had better mental health. Shobha  James, a Bangalore-based relationship therapist who has worked with over 150 non-monogamous couples, notes, “The challenge isn’t love itself but navigating a society that doesn’t yet have the vocabulary for it.”

Amaha, a mental health platform, now has therapists specifically providing therapy and psychiatric support for polyamorous couples.

(*Names changed)

(Preeti M.S. is a Chennai-based journalist and radio/podcast producer)