Shobhaa De on intimacy, pleasure, and the conversations India avoids

Shobhaa De’s new book, The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & Romance, is a wider examination of how we feel about pleasure, more than anything else. “It is not a ‘how-to’ sex manual, I’m sorry to disappoint,” she said at The Hindu Lit for Life 2026. “It’s not a Kama Sutra for 2026 at all.”

In conversation with journalist Rosella Stephen, Shobhaa positioned the book as “part mirror, part memoir, part quest”, rooted in lived experience rather than prescription. Reflecting on her early novels, beginning with Socialite Evenings, she said the rawness that once shocked readers was deliberate. “There were no books reflecting that new, exciting urban India back then,” she said, recalling how the idea that a woman might leave a marriage simply because it did not fulfil her desires unsettled readers.

Rosella framed Shobhaa as a writer who “insisted that India speak frankly and without apology”, observing that her work has consistently challenged social discomfort around sex, intimacy, and desire. That discomfort, Shobhaa argued, has only deepened over time. “The word ‘intimacy’ itself is terrifying to our society,” she said, adding that for many young people today their most intimate relationships are with their phones.

Much of the discussion focused on what Shobhaa sees as the erosion of romance and sensual attentiveness. “Holding hands is a language in itself,” she said, lamenting the absence of eye contact, flirting, and tenderness. Words such as “courtship” and “suitor”, she noted, now invite confusion. “Young people ask me, ‘What does it even mean?’”

At the same time, Shobhaa, drawing from her observations on social media, spoke of young women in rural India filming dance reels in fields and talking about Japanese noir films in their kitchens. “It feels like a revolution. Social media has given women a voice,” she says.

The discussion returned repeatedly to what Shobhaa described as society’s refusal to prepare young people, especially women, for intimacy. From the romanticised idea of the suhagraat to the silence around consent, she argued that ignorance is institutionalised. “No one prepares young girls for what to expect from marriage,” she said, pointing to how purity is still framed as a woman’s primary value. “The only message is that she must please her husband.”

The insistence on dialogue, rather than instruction, is what gives The Sensual Self its relevance. The book functions less as a guide than as an invitation: to rethink intimacy not as a private indulgence, but as a cultural responsibility.

This gap between cultural progress and private conversation was central to the book’s urgency. While India celebrates young women athletes on the world stage, Shobhaa noted, many families continue to deny women the right to walk away from marriages that leave them unhappy or unfulfilled. “That option is simply not available to most girls. And that is one of the biggest taboos we refuse to discuss,” she says.

As the session drew to a close, it was clear that the conversation Shobhaa is calling for is one Indian society is still reluctant to have — and perhaps most in need of having now.

The Hindu Lit For Life is presented by The all-new Kia Seltos. In association with: Christ University and NITTE, Associate Partners: Orchids- The International School, Hindustan Group of Institutions, State Bank of India, IndianOil, Indian Overseas Bank, New India Assurance, Akshayakalpa, United India Insurance, ICFAI Group, Chennai Port Authority and Kamarajar Port Limited, Vajiram & Sons, Life Insurance Corporation of India, Mahindra University, Realty Partner: Casagrand, Education Partner: SSVM Institutions, State Partner: Government of Sikkim & Uttarakhand Government

Official Timekeeping Partner: Citizen, Regional Partner: DBS Bank India Ltd, Tourism Partner: Bihar Tourism, Bookstore Partner: Crossword and Water Partner: Repute Radio partner: Big FM

Published – January 18, 2026 04:29 pm IST