Love, Loss and Healing: Andaleeb Wajid on her memoir

In her new memoir, Learning to Make Tea for One, Andaleeb Wajid writes about the loss of her husband, Mansoor, “someone who was the life of the party…who made friends easily even in unlikely places.” She goes on to recount other personality quirks of the man she had been married to for 24 years, who would die of COVID at the relatively young age of 29: his love for branded shoes, watches, and perfumes; his charming smile and the way he loved simply and openly.

In the COVID ward, however, he was just another patient, given the chaos there, says Andaleeb, reading from the book at a session titled “Love, Loss and Healing”, as part of The Hindu Lit For Life, where she was in conversation with senior journalist Soma Basu. “But, to us, he was the fun parent to two boys, the exasperating partner to a harried wife, the indulgent son to an indulgent mother, the wise, all-knowing older brother to two siblings, the shy son-in-law to my mother…to us, he was everything,” she reads.

This reading set the tone for the rest of the session, which then segued into a conversation about the genesis of the book, the universality of grief, society’s discomfort with it, the complexity of mourning and how writing the book helped Andaleeb process her emotions. “I wanted to make sure that he did not remain just a statistic. It was important for me that some of it was saved for posterity, and it made sense to have happened only through a book.”

The process of writing the book was far from easy, “I’ve been writing a lot of fiction all my life, so to write something so personal was not easy,” says Andaleeb, who also lost her mother-in-law to COVID at the same time. She talks about being wracked by self-doubt, even asking her editor what the point of writing this book was. When it was published, however, people reached out to her saying that reading me talking about my grief gave them the language to talk about their grief. “It was not an intended result. I just wrote it for myself, but I’m glad that it helped people.”

The conversation then veered into Andaleeb’s memories of losing her father at the age of 12, her experience of feeling helpless during COVID, why the book took so long to write, how the title of the book came about and the practices she followed to cope with her grief. Soma also asked her about how her sons’ relationship with each other and her have evolved since the tragedy. “I think we have become a team. Our relationship with each other has changed,” she says, with a smile, adding that she likes this new dynamic. And she prefers not to think about how things would have been if she hadn’t lost her husband and mother-in-law, says Andaleeb. “I think one of the reasons for writing this book is to put all of that here, put it aside and not think about it too much.”

The Hindu Lit For Life is presented by The all-new Kia Seltos. In association with: Christ University and NITTE, Associate Partners: Orchids- The International School, Hindustan Group of Institutions, State Bank of India, IndianOil, Indian Overseas Bank, New India Assurance, Akshayakalpa, United India Insurance, ICFAI Group, Chennai Port Authority and Kamarajar Port Limited, Vajiram & Sons, Life Insurance Corporation of India, Mahindra University, Realty Partner: Casagrand, Education Partner: SSVM Institutions, State Partner: Government of Sikkim & Uttarakhand Government

Official Timekeeping Partner: Citizen, Regional Partner: DBS Bank India Ltd, Tourism Partner: Bihar Tourism, Bookstore Partner: Crossword and Water Partner: Repute Radio partner: Big FM